I’ve always had trouble sleeping.
When I was younger I’d poke my mother awake and ask her why I couldn’t sleep like everyone else and she told me to stop thinking, to just let all my thoughts float away and just think about nothing. My uncle told me to count till 100, several times. We tried everything, bedtime stories, homework to exhaust me and even watching TV with my mother, but nothing could shut my brain off.
I grew up and the very same brain that gave rise to my insomnia, decided to branch into many other conditions by overworking itself and I still wonder what it means to just stop thinking, to be able to shut your brain down without slushing down chemicals to do this simple job for you.
At first I thought it was my brain only that worked at 5000 miles per min but sometimes I feel like my being, my core, my soul; whatever it is that I can feel present and absent so often is running on a non stopping treadmill. Some days I’m so aware of my existence, I can feel every emotion; wide and awake beating within me, I drive for hours contemplating every single blessing in my life and it’s almost as if I am one with everything. Other days I feel as empty as a barren land, devoid of happiness and content; indifferent and drought. Then there are the days in between where I suffer and I feel myself slipping away; my thoughts, my pulse, my breaths and I feel nothing but pain in every inch of my body and soul and I always give it my best shot to hold on to any shred of sanity left within me.